Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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