trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
