you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
