just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
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You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
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I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.