if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".