Don't make out with my wife yet
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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