Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
