I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
