soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
