Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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