You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
