I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
