I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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