She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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