Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
