apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
