Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
