I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
