You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
