Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
time to smoke my breakfast
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Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
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When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!