Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
BRING THE BAGELS
How many fucks given?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.