My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
3 2 1 whiskey
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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