I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
