She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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