nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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