Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
