I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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