I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
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I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
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I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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