: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
