Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize