i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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