He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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