he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
