You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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