This is not my ceiling
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
