My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
