also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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