he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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