3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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