Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
