Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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