Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
There's always time for handjobs
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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