I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
