roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
