Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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