I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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