Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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