I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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