Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
