Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
