Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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