We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
