I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I know her cup size but not her name....
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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