loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
