Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
