i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
