Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
